Tiny Tirades

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2009-07-01T22:53:32Z

Going to go pick up a dog tonight and leave out of this place about midnight. Should put me home around 8 in the morning. I can't wait, going to go with my Dad to Jamestown and have a good ol' weekend. I wish I could stay there. I certainly do belong there, I've never been so sure in my life. I guess it takes a jolt from something bad to make a man think about stuff like that. When a person says they are going to do something you can take them for their word they'll do what they say, and if they can't you can be damn sure they've got a good reason. I think that's what I miss most. I've never gotten used to other places because of that. Well that and you can't beat a mountain sunset, or a girl raised there, and that's for sure. I've kind of always figured whenever I do find someone who's willing to stick around they'll be from home. I can a couple more years to find that I rekon'. I've waited this long.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." - John Wayne

June 30, 2009

2009-06-30T22:45:25Z

The end of another month, one month closer to my EAOS. Usually that’s call for a silent celebration but not today. There isn’t much worth celebrating in my home. I sat at my desk today and did my work without a word and then I came home, I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s going to be for a while, how much of a while isn’t really up to me. I’m usually pretty good at faking a smile or a laugh when I’m feeling down, they didn’t come so easy today. My roast is done cooking, we didn't do the pot luck today, just ordered chicken for lunch. I haven't been able to keep down food since Sunday morning so it'll go in the refrigerator for at least one more day. It sure smells good though.

Every hour seems to creep by now. I wish I would could just fall asleep until she calls again, I know I can’t, but I sure wish I could. It’s one thing to go without something you’ve never had, but when you’ve had it and then it’s gone, it sucks….a lot. No one should ever have to go through that. I don’t even feel like writing anymore and it truly is the only thing that makes me feel even a tad bit better.

I need to go home, I need that place more than ever now. I’m going to go to my spot with Gypsy and just think. I always think better there. It’ll be nice to have someone….some dog, to talk to....even if I'd rather have her with me. I feel like a fool going without her, I think I told everyone I knew she was coming down...I think I might just stay out of sight this time, it would only hurt everytime they asked where she was knowing I'd lie and tell them she was a bit sick and couldn't make it this trip.

Cowboy up.

Shoot

2009-06-30T12:32:02Z

     I was doing ok this morning, not great but good enough to make it through the day.

    Then I was stopped at a red light and saw her drive through on the way to work, I reached for my phone to call and remembered I couldn't.

   Frankly, this blows.

Hmm

2009-06-30T04:36:39Z

There are days when it is great to be me, and there are days that it isn't.

Today is one of the isn'ts.

I just want some sleep.

June 29, 2009

2009-06-29T21:38:30Z

I think I may have made a huge ass out of myself last night and today. I have probably called her 6 or 7 times in the past 24 hours. She did call me back to give me directions, which I am more than grateful for, and that's got to be something. I just hope she knows I wasn't calling because I'm a possesive prick, or because I was worried about us. I was worried about her. I hope that's what she thinks too. It's one thing if she only called once in a blue moon, but we have talked everyday except yesterday and I was worried something might have happened to her. I guess it's really not my place to worry about that though, but I still do. Still, that's the last time I'll call so much. One message is enough for anybody and she can call back when she is ready. She is a very hard working and independent lady who I'm sure doesn't need some farmboy worrying about her. I just hope I haven't screwed up to much.
I really do like this girl. It took me almost 6 years to get the same butterflies in my stomach with someon else. I don't know how or why it happened so fast, it just did. I really didn't want it to, but it's too late to turn back now. I'll just keep on taking my time though, that's something we hopefully have a lot of.

June 28, 2009

2009-06-29T21:32:01Z

I wrote this in my notebook and thought I may as well put it here in case something happens to it.

   I'm sitting on my porch for going on almost 2 hours now. I can't say today has been the best day, but it's for sure far from the worst. I took a trip to base earlier to pick up a pot roast and I've gotten it and some cut up carrots and potatoes in my refrigerator marinating, I'll put it on tomorrow night so it will be ready for Tuesday. I've no doubt it will be 100x better than the last one I made. I do so love my slow cooker!
   I was going to go to church this morning but I didn't make it. I know I should have went but I just couldn't bring myself to go alone. She had a long night though and she deserves all the rest that she can get. She has to be one the busiest people I've ever met. I'm just glad I get to spend any amount of time with her. Besides, I'm stealing her away all next weekend and I would hate for her to get tired of me before that!
   I'm afraid I've already gotten ahead of myself with her. I know it isn't the smartest thing to do, but how in the world could I help it? It's all I can do sometimes to keep my big mouth shut so I don't sound like some crazy fool who is trying to pressure her into something she isn't ready for. I know where she is coming from, I've been there myself and I know that she needs some time. I sure do hope she keeps me around that long. Sometimes the scars that hurt the most are the ones no one can see.
   All that being said I knew the first time I saw her I'd never want to let go, and I hope she never has to ask me to. I've said a lot of goodbyes in my life, but I think that would be one of the hardest ones. I'd walk away like a good Cowboy though, she doesn't deserve the headache and heartache of some old fool who thinks he knows what's best for her.
   The sunset sure is pretty today, for flatland anyway. I think the longest parts of my day are spent waiting on her to call, until I met her I probably couldn't tell you where my phone was half of the time and now you'd better be a pretty tough fellow to pry it out of my hand. When I get to talk to her it just feels like a ton of bricks was lifted off my back, I don't know why, but it does. I've never really enjoyed talking on the phone to anyone, I mostly did it because I had to. With her though, I do it because I enjoy it...tremendously.

June 28, 2009

2009-06-29T03:04:15Z

Well today wasn't the best day, but it wasn't the worst either. I sure wish I could go to bed right about now but I know I'll be up for at least another hour trying to make myself tired. That's what I get for taking a nap in the middle of the day, and it doesn't help that I've gotten used to talking to her before I do fall asleep. Hope she calls.

June 26, 2009

2009-06-27T00:59:52Z

June 26, 2009

It’s Friday, another week down, not that many to go when I think about it. June 28, 2011 and I’ll finally be able to hang my uniforms up for good. I get more nervous every day that passes. I can’t lie, it’s been easy the past 7 years, I really haven’t had to worry about anything. I think getting out is going to be the best thing for me though, I know this isn’t what I want to do with the rest of my life. It’s just not who I am. I guess you could say it’s kind of changed me, but deep down I’m still the same good ol’ boy who left his small town not to many years ago. I’m slowly getting that back now, and it feels good. I can’t remember the last time I got stressed out, or even worried myself sick over anything. I know I haven’t raised me voice about anything in a very long time. It feels good knowing I’ve finally got me back, I think being so close to getting out helped a lot. I’m glad it was now too….very glad.

I don’t have to worry about her not knowing who I really am, I can just be myself and show her. She seems to like it so far, I sure hope that doesn’t change. I’m taking her to church Sunday morning and I can’t wait….which I never would have done even a year ago! I can count on one hand the times I’ve been to church in the last seven years. I’m glad she said she would go, it meant a lot, it still means a lot.

She sure is pretty.

June 24, 2009

2009-06-25T00:17:38Z

June 24, 2009

Today was about as uneventful as they come. I woke up, went to the gym, went to work, and came home. I’m now in the middle of watching yet another John Wayne movie and waiting on 9 o’clock. If anything is worth waiting for though, it’s got to be her. She’s got a pretty full weekend so I’m kind of hoping I can squeeze in somewhere. If not there’s always another night, I’m nothing if not patient. Haven’t always been but somewhere along the way I learned how to be and now I think I may be a little to patient sometimes.

I do go after what I want though.

June 23, 2009

2009-06-24T00:12:23Z

I’ve been home on leave for a bit and I have to say that I enjoyed it. I always seeing my little girl and the rest of my family. She is growing up so fast. It seems like it took me forever to get out of High School and she will be going to kindergarten in a year. It’s really hard for me to believe. She still hates to talk on the phone to anyone, so it doesn’t hurt as much when she doesn’t want to talk to me. I can’t wait until she does get a little older to where she will though. I do call just to make sure she’s doing ok.

This was the first time….ever…that I never once thought about how great moving back would be. Let me rephrase that. I didn’t think about how great moving back alone would be. Every time I thought about how beautiful it was I wanted to share it with her. Dad always told me that I’d want to move back unless I found someone like her, then it really wouldn’t matter where I lived. He was right. I’m pretty sure I could live in Timbuktu as long as she was there. It’s a pretty neat feeling, great even. I still want to go to school, and I still want a good job when I do get out of the Navy, I still want to be an auctioneer, but not for the same reasons. I’ve started to think how far Murray State is from here, I don’t think distance would hurt what I hope we have at all, I just don’t know if I want to be that far away for so long. A year used to seem pretty short to me, but I’ve come to understand that even one day can feel like forever.

She told me she like her space, and I have to admit that kind of worried me a bit. It still sits in the back of my mind but I try not to think about it. I’ll talk to her about it tonight. I meant to before but it just never came up again, and I hate to interrupt her, I love her voice. I tend to be a bit needier than most guys. Not a bad needy I think, but I really don’t need that much space I guess. I’ve been like that all my life, kind of weird. I think it has a lot to do with me not really having anything to do here like I do back home though….even so whenever I did do something back home I’d much rather have someone I felt for with me than be by myself. Doing something with the guys is great too, but it isn’t something I have to have all the time, and most of us take our girls with us anyway.

Life’s a lot better when you have someone to share it with I reckon‘.

June 14, 2009

2009-06-15T02:49:11Z

Wow.
Seriously.
Just Wow.
I just spent the last 4 hours with her and I still want to pick up my phone and call her. Seven whole days. I'm glad I'll get to see my little girl and my family, but still, I wanted nothing more than to throw my car in reverse and take her with me. If a normal kiss is worth a thousand words, one kiss from her is War and Peace. I still feel funny and I'm not sure that I can feel my fingers.

If it were just the kisses it would be enough, but then there's the sitting down and talking...like really talking for hours, and with that there is what she says and who she is. If perfect isn't a word that can describe her then Webster hasn't made one that does yet......arrrrghh, Seven days.

June 13, 2009

2009-06-14T01:34:07Z

The power went out yesterday so I didn’t write anything, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed, but I’ll just to pull double duty today.

I would have thought not having any power would have been a lot worse than it was. To be honest it was kind of nice….once I found my candles! Between talking to her and reading part of a book that I had long forgotten I had it was a very good day. Mostly because I got to talk to her. It’s funny how nothing can be going right but when you hear that one voice none of it really seems to matter much anymore. I haven’t had a bad day that I can remember in a while and I owe it all to someone else. Thanks.

It was back on by this morning though, luckily I’m leaving for home on Monday so my refrigerator wasn’t as full as it usually is and I only ended up having to throw out a few things. I do have some shopping to do when I get back though. Luckily I’m a pretty monotonous person so I really don’t have to search through the store for what I need. I think I’ve gotten the same things the last 20 times I’ve been there. It’s a blessing and a curse, I’m more than ready for a little variety in my diet though. (I think I’ll keep the strawberries in it, I’m not sure they could ever get old!)

Tomorrow will be an awesome day.

What I mean to say

2009-06-12T03:52:26Z

I think most people think about what they say before it comes out most of the time. I know I do and what I say doesn’t always mean what is in any dictionary. I know what I want to come out of my mouth, but my brain sends the “don’t say that idiot” signal. I thought I’d make a little list of some of the things I mean when I say something else.

I think the most used is “Sweet Dreams”. What I wish I could is, “I hope every minute you are asleep is spent dreaming of me.”

Another good one is “Yeah”. What I wish would come out is, “I do understand, I’ve been there myself and I know what it feels like. I know that nothing I could say will make it any better but I will be by your side no matter what storm comes our way”

“You can call anytime.” I’m always guilty of that one. What I want to say is “I wish I could spend every minute I’m not by your side listening to your voice. The only part of my day worth waking up for is the few minutes I get to spend hearing about yours.”

It’s really not any specific word, but when I say something about my past or tell a story I have here is what I am thinking. “I’m only telling you this so you’ll know I do have experience with some things in life, I want you to know what I’ve been through and what I have accomplished. Not to boost my ego or to impress you…ok maybe a little bit to impress you….but because I want you to know exactly who I am and where I stand. I want you to understand me better, I want to show you that I am an open book and nothing in my past is off limits.”

When I say “Goodnight” or “Goodbye” what I mean is “I don’t want to go, I want to stay with you on the phone forever but if I must I’ll do nothing but look forward to the next time I see your face.”

June 11, 2009

2009-06-12T01:39:56Z

You know I’ve always thought that I was ok with being alone, just doing my own thing. Over the years I’ve come to find out that I was wrong in that assumption! Don’t get me wrong, being alone has it’s perks. No real accountability for anything you do, no arguments, no real responsibility. I mean I have my daughter, and of course I’m responsible for her well being, but seeing as how I am quite a ways away from her I trust that her mother takes the best care of her she can, and she does and I help in any way that I can or am needed to. That’s not really the responsibility I meant anyway. I meant the kind where everyday someone else’s happiness, who you aren’t connected to by blood, is dictated by what you do and say. Your emotions are somehow connected directly to theirs and theirs to yours.

I really think I’ve only known one person who I felt that with and to be honest it was for all the wrong reasons. I knew that too but I just couldn’t stop feeling the way that I felt. I don’t think it was love that made me feel that way, but I really can’t say what else it could be. I knew that the good times with her were going to be great and the bad times were going to be just horrible. Every emotion I felt was amplified 1000% when I was with her. I learned a lot from her, and I don’t regret the time we spent together, but if I had to do it over I would never want to lose anything like that again. And I knew I would lose it from the start. I knew there would be no storybook ending. I just couldn’t stop. She was beautiful and smart and funny, and I knew that I would never meet anyone like her again. I’m not big on being wrong, but I was wrong, and I’m glad I was wrong.

I’ve always been a daydreamer and I used to love that about me, I have a vivid imagination and it hardly ever is pessimistic. I’m not a big fan of half empty. On the other hand, I’m not a big fan of getting hurt either. No pain in the world is as great as the pain of losing someone you think is perfect. It’s a tough day when you realize they were looking at you with a different set of eyes. I once wished I could tell what people were thinking, but I realize that if that were the case I would grow complacent. Complacency is the final resting place of great things. Two people who want to build a strong foundation together should always strive to make sure their partner always has a smile on their face.

I’m realist too and I know that it isn’t always possible to have your cake and eat it too. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to explain why you made your decisions or what lead to the circumstances. One person in a relationship will have to make some sacrifices for the other one. That works both ways too, a lot of sacrifices have to be made. Some people aren’t willing to do that, almost 50% actually and it shows. The other 50% who understand that nothing in the world is more important than the happiness of those they love wake up every morning knowing that there is always going to be a rock to stand on and they are laying right beside them, or a thousand miles away in some cases.

Life is short. Live it.

June 10, 2009

2009-06-11T02:13:30Z

Today was another day. I can't complain, got to talk to her a bit which is much better than not a bit, accomplished what I needed to at work, and got a few things done around my apartment that needed getting done. What did I learn today? I learned that everyday, no matter how regular is one step closer to the next chapter of someones life. Time never stands still even when you pray for it too, and more and more I'm viewing that as a good thing. I don't it could move fast enough for me at the moment. I only use a clock to tell me how long I have to wait to see her again. They are kind of overated anyway, but I am glad I have one for that reason alone.

Toodles.

June 9, 2009

2009-06-10T01:49:39Z

I’m afraid I’m starting to miss seeing her. I know that I just got to see her yesterday, but I already can’t wait until the next time. I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare me. I can’t remember the last time I actually missed someone who wasn’t family. It’s crazy too because I know she is just down the road. One of the worst things about being me is worrying, I don’t do it near as much as I used to, that’s for sure, but I still do it to much for my taste. If I wasn’t such a pansy maybe I could actually say half of the things I write. That’ll be the day!

I don’t know though, I’m comfortable writing, I’m not really that great of a talker though. I mumble, I’m hard to understand, and sometimes what comes out of my mouth isn’t always what I mean. Sometimes I’m so afraid of saying the wrong things I forget to say the right ones. Writing is safe, you can always go back and change things, delete something that doesn’t sound quite right, think long and hard about what you put down. I think I just need to quit being so safe and hope for the best. Like today, I spent at least an hour thinking about what I would say to her the next time I saw her. I’m spontaneous in almost every area of my life except talking, that’s so weird!

I think I just might.

Auctioneering school is looking better and better. I've always known it but never said it, but I love it when I know my father is proud of me and I really can't think of anything that would make him prouder. I'm not horrible at it and I know I could make a career of it. I really should go to college though, but I do worry about making money when I do get out of the Navy. I can't just do school, I have to work. I've lived, worked, breathed farms my whole life and I know that is where I belong. I think I'm going to go to Nashville next year and do the school. If nothing else I'll have it over and done with.

June 8, 2009

2009-06-09T02:35:47Z

Another day at work. It was just….work. I did get to see her today though, which made waiting for 6 to roll around that much more agonizing. Definitely worth the wait, even if it was only for an hour. I’ve always been a fan of comfortable silence, but with her I can’t help but want to talk…talk…and talk some more. I want to know everything, I guess I’m just selfish like that. She is in a word, spectacular.

I do get to go home in 7 more days. It’s been a long time coming and I can’t wait to see my little girl, my sisters and my new brother who I’ve never met before! It may only be for a little while but I’ll make the best of it. I can’t old they are all getting. I don’t remember me growing up quite so fast. I miss them all every minute of every day. I never really thought of myself as being close to family, but I am undeniably. I am one lucky guy to have the support and love that I do. I only wish I could give half of what they all do in return and I am ashamed that it took me as long as it did to realize how truly blessed I am. I’ve always loved my family, but now I’ve learned to appreciate and stand in awe of how close we all really are, even when separated by hundreds, or even thousands of miles.

“The greatest love is the love that you give” ……grandpa told me so ;).

Really????

2009-06-08T20:20:15Z

Work days last entirely to long. It needs to be six o'clock...like right now.

Yes Virginia....

2009-06-08T03:27:50Z

Life.
Is.
Awesome.

June 7, 2009

2009-06-08T01:19:03Z

Cleaning carpet has to be one of the worst things in the world. Kool-Aid stays in the kitchen from now on! It’s a good thing I’ve started to drink more water and less of the drinks that like to leave little reminders that I’m kind of a klutz. I finally fixed my bed and I’m moving my computer out of my living room. I don’t spend half the time I used to on it and it’s really just and eye-sore. If nothing else it will give me something to do for the rest of the day. I don’t have to go into work until 11am tomorrow so I’ll probably stay up a bit later than I’m used to so I don’t wake up at the crack of dawn. Friend from work had a BBQ today but I didn’t go, I don’t think I would have had much fun there by myself anyway. I did watch Elizabethtown again, it’s still and awesome movie and I’m amazed after umpteen times watching it I can still sit through all of it. I think I know every line by heart.

I’m such a sap, I was just in the kitchen checking on my dinner and I thought I heard my phone ringing, of course it was just the same song I was listening to when I got up to go the kitchen…..it’s been a long day. I still haven’t been able to go three miles without slowing down to walk a bit, I really think my knees are screwed up. I’ll just keeping pushing, either they’ll give out or I’ll make it. Hopefully I’ll make it, I do live on the third floor and dragging myself up those stairs would not a good day make! It’s 8pm and it’s just now starting to get dark….I really don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that. Not that I mind, it’s just a bit weird.

I threw away all of the letters today. I had no idea that I wrote her that much. It was over the course of like 8 years lol, but still. If there wasn’t 300 pages there wasn’t anything. I didn’t even know that I had them, I was hanging clothes in my bedroom closet and found the box. I never needed them in the first place, but it does feel good to finally be rid of them forever. I thought about going to get a cat today, I think I could use the company. Of course I won’t ever get one until I get a much larger place than what I have. I guess I could give it the bedroom though, I may go in there once a week just to make sure it’s still there. Hopefully that will change though, I’m sure sleeping on a bed will give a much better nights sleep than a couch….just a thought.

I’m really starting to hate my phone. I think I’ve spent the larger part of my day yelling at it and I’m sure the two other people laying out by the pool thought I was losing my mind.

I have no idea

2009-06-07T12:06:48Z

Lying in his bed and staring at the bland white ceiling that he knew so well Kaleb thought about how screwed up life could be some days. He was a bit of a helpless romantic so of course the biggest concern in his life was finding someone who could appreciate his overdoing of everything in their relationship. Such a woman was not an easy find as most of them thought he was simply going to end up being another loser who they grow tired of. It's amazing how some idiot who has no idea to treat a woman can affect someone elses life in such a big way.
As he was thinking of all the great loves of his life, he was a bit over-dramatic as well, he could think of two that he had known quite recently. Kaly and Leslie, two entirely different people that intrigued him on two very different planes. Kaly at first sight seemed like the strong and independent type but after getting to know her he realized all she really wanted out of life was someone who was going to be there with her everyday to let her know she wasn't alone, she hated being alone and even company that she may not like was better than no company at all. Leslie on the other hand was the independent controlling type (by this time he knew he loved independent women that needed him) who had to feel like she was in control of a relationship and was afraid to hand over, or even share the reigns with anyone else.
He met Leslie first and thought things were going well, she really was everything he was looking for in someone, she was his perfect love, well almost. She just wasn't ready to let go of her heart and put faith in someone else. She was perfectly content living life and having fun everyday not worrying about what tomorrow might hold for her. That was her one imperfection, and it was quite a big one as it meant there would be no room at the Inn for Kaleb in the near future, and he was quite the impatient one.
Still he tried like the arrogant male he was and miserably failed like the perfect failure that he had become. Most men would have given up on finding someone if they failed as much as he had in the past few months, but through shere determination or an unmatched ignorance he marched on like nothing had ever happened hiding the memory of defeat far back in his mind. He really cared for Leslie so she hurt him more than most, but still he knew there was that perfect someone out there who would do anything to be with him.
He had met Kaly a few days after he started to talk to Leslie about getting into something more involved than a mere friendship and from the first time he saw her he wondered if he should have waited. Of course that thought became nothing more than a thought because our self-proclaimed romantic was also an insecure little brat on the inside who could never get past how amazingly beautiful Kaly was. He just knew she would never give him the time of day. Despite all of this he knew that if he built up a friendship with her he might actually have a shot if she knew who he was inside instead of what he looked like on the outside. It was a long shot, but he had a glimmer of hope, and for him it was all that was needed.
Finally the day came when he would tell her that he had been in love with her since he was 12 years old, of course she told him he was crazy and he thought his heart would shatter at the sound of those words because he knew what they meant. It meant that he would be crazy to think that just because he had feelings for someone as perfect as her that she would ever consider being with someone who may as well have lived in a different country. It always was about the distance, he hated his job some days, that was one of those days. If he could have he would have packed everything he owned into his truck and left for her house knowing that he would never leave her no matter what came their way (It's amazing what goes through someones mind when they are blinded by passion).
He should have left it at that, he knew he should have because no matter what he would say over the next few hours nothing would change her mind. She really did need someone who didn't just want to be there but who was really going to be there, who really was going to hold her when times got to rough for just her to handle. He wanted to be that person and anguished in the thought that someone else would take his place. That is the life he chose though, on of loneliness, of despair, of selfless sacrifice so that someone else could take the ones that he held closest to his heart and make them their own.
Why didn't he just find someone who was closer? Because no one could ever touch his heart like hometown girls, they were raised the same way that he was, they knew the same people, they just knew. And he knew deep in his heart that it was quite possibly a waste of his time to try to get someone like that, but he had a lot of try on him and he never learned when to give up on anything. He Loved her, and he knew it, he knew it in his heart of hearts that nothing could stand between them and happiness, except for the eight hour drive that led him back home.
If he had it his way that would never have been an obstacle because he would have made that drive every time he had the time just to see her smile at him one last time, just to hear her say how much it meant to her that the time he had was spent with her, just to see her run towards him when she heard him pull up, just to feel her lips press against his the moment he stepped out of his truck. He wanted that, so much that he could almost see it on the inside of his eyelids every time he blinked. He just knew that if she would take a chance on someone who had so much to give she would never regret her decision no matter how many nights she spent wanting him there beside her because she could take comfort in knowing that while she slept he was awake waiting for the next time they would meet.
What could have possible made her so special to him? Have you ever listened to a song and the words and the music just fit perfectly in to how you were feeling at that exact moment? She was that song to him every second of the day. He kept her picture in his heart every moment of the day and would close his eyes and see her smiling back at him. For the first time he had found someone so perfect that he would do anything for just a chance, there didn't have to be a guarantee, just a chance to show her that he could give her the life that she had been waiting on.
He wanted that. She wasn't the girl that he dreamed about before, she was more, she was the girl he dreamed about now, she was the girl he wanted to see smile. He wanted to give her what she had been missing for so long, someone who cared about the person she was inside more than the person she was outside, someone who saw her for what she was and what she was going to be.
Sure other people find meaning in other things, but Kaleb found his in love, but he was beginning to think that just maybe he was wrong. Maybe love is something that not everyone finds, maybe there are people out there that are simply put in someone else's life for other reasons, maybe he was one of those people. Maybe he was everyone else's speed bump on the way to romance. Maybe love just wasn't meant to be for him. Just maybe.
The one person that he knew would always love him didn't feel anything for him anymore, even though he would always have feelings for her, even if he kept them hidden from everyone. He'd made a lot of mistakes in his short time on this earth, and doing her wrong was the biggest. She was his world and he loved her with all of his heart, but his pride and stubbornness was to much for even the greatest love to overcome. It took losing her to show him that his life was headed in a very wrong direction if he kept being the person he was. He knew she would never give him another chance, and he couldn't blame her, but he loved her now because she helped him in more ways than she would ever know.
He began to think that maybe now was the time to get real with himself and make something out of his life that had suddenly became nothing. He needed to make new friends, meet new people, experience new things. He was hours away from his High School friends and couldn't afford to go home as much as he would like, he needed a new life.
He had some experience at making new lives. He left home and made a new one and became a cocky prick who only cared about himself the whole time he lived in Hawaii. Then he deployed overseas for a year and saw how great he had it back home, and how lucky he was to live where he did. He saw things at 23 that no one should ever have to see in their life, and it made him a better person, a different person. It was a "life changing" experience if you will.
If he couldn't have love, he wanted to have fun, and he wanted to show everyone that he met exactly what they couldn't have no matter how hard he tried. He wasn't the best looking chimp in the zoo, but with a little tanning lotion and a few weeks hitting the gym pretty hard he figured he could roll with the best of them. Love is only a word after all, people throw it around now a days like they don't care who they hurt, because most of them don't, why should he? Why should he pay any mind to anyone else's feelings when he had had his stepped on so many times by so many different people in his life?
Everyone accused him of being a cocky, self-centered, egotistical prick, so why not be one, why not prove everyone right? Because he couldn't, because he wanted someone to be there everyday, he wanted someone who would understand him, be there for him through thick and thin, he wanted love not lust. He knew with lust his life would be filled with fun and adventure and great stories, but he wanted a life filled with love, withlaughter and smiles and stories that he could tell his grandchildren. He wanted her.

Kiss me....or Don't, Whatever Tickles Your Pickle!

2009-06-07T12:05:04Z

You can’t force Love, no matter how much you tell yourself you Love someone, sometimes you just don’t. Having someone Love you more than anything in the world and knowing that you will never be able to give them what they want is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I would Love more than anything to make someone like that happy, but there aren’t many second chances in Life, and the next time Love finds me I want to look at her and know my heart will be safe, know that she will stand behind me and push when she needs to, and will accept my assistance if she is ever in need. I want someone who will stand beside me on solid ground, who will reach for my hand before I have a chance to reach for hers, whose smile lets me know that no matter what happens in life she will be there for me. When I touch her cheek I want my hand to tremble, just a little, when someone else turns his head to look at her I want to be able to smile because I know where her heart is. Whenever I wake up in the morning I want to laugh because it’s 80 degrees outside and her butt and feet are still freezing, I want to roll my eyes because she used my razor on her legs, I want to be amazed at the amount of Drano we have to buy because of the mysterious hair that keeps going down the sink. I want to listen about how horrible of a day she had and tell her mine was wonderful just to hear her say “Glad somebody had a good day!”, and laugh just to make her cheeks glow red. I want to hear her complain that she never gets to drive, then when she does get to drive I want to roll on the ground laughing when she pulls over because she can’t stand me driving from the passenger seat. I want someone who kisses me with her whole heart every time, I want to smile in the middle of it because it’s so wonderful. I want to open my eyes to see if she does the same.

June 6, 2009

2009-06-07T12:03:02Z

Today was another uneventful Saturday. It’s days like this I wish I were back home, at least then I wouldn’t have to rely on a television for entertainment. There is finally one reason to stick around here though, and it’s a really awesome reason so I can say without a doubt that I’m glad I picked Millington this time. It would have been great to have that reason sooner, but I’ll take it now!

I sat around today throwing my phone at my couch trying to make it ring, it worked once! That’s enough for now. I’ve never been one for talking on the phone anyway. I’d much rather see who I’m talking to. If only I could talk half as well as I think I write, maybe I wouldn’t mind it so much.

I did get to watch UP last night. Pixar always manages to surprise me that they are able to pull off movies the entire family can watch and take something away from. I’m not sure what everyone else took away from it, but I know what it made me think about, and I have to say I am guilty of that, and I’m half ashamed it took an animated movie to make me realize it.

Not much else to say about today.

Grrr

2009-06-07T04:06:05Z

I hate waking up later than 6 because I always end up not being tired when I'm ready to go to bed. I wish I was one of those people that could just lay down for a while and fall asleep.

TBR Part III

2009-06-07T02:50:43Z

He used to hate the way she dressed, for no other reason than he thought someone better than him would come along and take her away. How stupid was he for thinking that someone who was so in love with him even looked at anyone else that way. All of his jealousy, all of his snide remarks, all of his tantrums, everything was put into perspective. She dressed the way she did, she took care of herself, because she wanted to be beautiful for him, and for herself.

She didn’t care if anyone else looked at her, just so long as every time Kaleb looked at her it was as if he was looking at the most beautiful girl on the planet. He just didn’t take the time to realize it. He was so busy thinking he was going to lose her he forgot to show her how much he loved her. His stubborness only succeded in driving her away.

He remembered how other guys looked at her. He knew they wanted her, and he was to busy thinking they would try to take her he forgot they didn’t have a chance. No matter how hard they tried they could never come between what they had as long as he was who Jasmine knew he could be. She loved him with her whole heart everyday, he was to busy trying not to lose her to do the same.

He thought about her dreams and aspirations. The things she told him she wanted to do, how he felt so afraid that if she did succeed she wouldn’t feel anything for him anymore. He was so selfish with her, he wanted her all to himself. Someone like her can’t be cooped up, she was, is, to beautiful to keep from the world. He knew that everything she wanted to do she could. Her beauty was only surpassed by her intelligence.

How could he be so stupid, so unwilling to help her follow her dreams. So belittling to what she wanted for her future. He held her heart in the palm of his hand at one time and all he did was squeeze so tight he ended up breaking it. He wanted her to know that he could see all of this now, that he really did know he was wrong. Kaleb wanted her to know that he knew when he should have been Loving her he was to busy thinking about losing her and finding ways to follow his own desires.

He knew she wouldn’t believe him even if he said it. The only thing he could do now was to show her. The only way he knew how to do that was to let her go back home, to follow her dreams, and then maybe one day she would call and he could let her know everything he held inside. He always told her all he cared about was her happiness, for the first time in his life he really meant it.

“You should be alright, but you may want to get that checked out tomorrow.”

“Will do, did you get everything you need? Do you need any help?”

“I think I got everything. Thanks for asking”

“No problem, if you think of anything you forgot let me know and I’ll send it out to you.”

“Will do, sorry again about the whole running over you thing. Nothing personal!”

She couldn’t help but giggle when she said it.

“Haha! No worries, are you leaving?”

“Yeah, I should really start heading back, I’ve got to work tomorrow evening.”

“Be careful driving back home then….if you ever need anything, anything at all, please call.”

She smiled at him and walked out the door. As the door shut he saw her swinging it back open and running to his arms. Sometimes having a vivid imagination isn’t the best of things. He sighed when he realized she was walking out of his life for the foreseeable future.

On the other side of the door Jasmine was still holding onto the handle, waiting for him to open the door. She wanted him to stop her, to tell her everything she needed to hear. She wanted him to hold her in his arms and remind her of who he was before. After a few minutes she realized it wasn’t happening so she started to slowly walk back to her car looking back every so often, expecting to see him half running, half hobbling towards her.

When she finally got into her car she put both of her hands on the wheel and a tear came rolling down her face. She ran her tongue across her bottom lip to taste the sadness that the salt left behind.

“He still Loves me.”

Kaleb finally opened his door just in time to see her taillights heading off away from him. He fell backwards against the wall and tried to stop the tears that he knew were about to come. He had so many things to tell her, but he just couldn’t, he didn’t know why. He doubted himself just enough to make himself bite his tongue at all the wrong times. If only he knew that she wanted to hear what he had to say, needed to hear.

“She doesn’t Love me anymore.”

He had used so many pretty words with her, so many statements that he failed to back up, he just didn’t know anything that he could say now to make her fall in love with him again. He couldn’t very well drive to see her every weekend, even every other weekend, and that was a big part that was holding him back. She deserved someone who could be there with her everyday. He knew that better than anyone. She had so much to give to someone and who was he to deny anyone who could spend all of their time with her that.

He needed her though, no one else did. He was sure many people wanted her, but they didn’t need her to make themselves complete. They hadn’t tasted her like he had, he knew everything that she brought to the table and everything there added that much more to his existence. Without her life felt wrong somehow, like he never could do anything right, but with her everything was in place. There was no more fog covering things ahead of him, he could see clearly where he wanted to be and who he wanted to be there with. Without her he could barely tell where he would end up in a few minutes.

She wasn’t a regular girl, she was something else, something so much more. Someone like her only comes around once in forever. She was the best woman he had ever known. There may have been someone better out there but Kaleb would never have seen it because to him she was as close to perfect as anyone could be. She was everything he ever wanted, and he knew that he was losing her. Was she already gone?

He changed his mind a lot, more than even he would like. He didn’t do it because it was who he was though, he did it because he didn’t have a plan without her. He just lived day to day and dealt with things as they came. She gave him a reason to stick to a plan, a reason to better himself, a reason to tough it through one more day because he knew that she would be there again tomorrow.

He had so many things she needed to hear, to absorb. He couldn’t tell her everything at once, there was to much there that he didn’t want to risk her missing anything. He couldn’t tell her over the phone, he needed her to see his emotions. How could he begin, how could he start a conversation that would determine how he was going to have to live the rest of his life?

“I’m sorry Jasmine, sorry for never being there, sorry for not putting you where you deserve to be in my life, sorry for not telling you how much you mean to nearly enough, sorry for letting you feel like other things in my life were more important than you. I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve been driving to work only to think of how much better the day would be if I had you to kiss goodbye, to look forward to coming home too. You’ve never even had to say anything to keep my heart Jass, all I have to do is look at you and everything that is weighing on my mind disappears and I smile because I know you are with me. Everything comes easier when you are near, my dreams are better when you are beside me, my days are brighter, blue skies that much more vibrant.

No one will every give me everything you do Jass. No one could ever hope to make me as complete as you do. With you there are no pieces to pick up, just a clear window that I can see everything through. I never had a chance with you. You wrapped me around your finger the first time you kissed me, you stole my heart the first time you grabbed my hand. Loving you is the best thing to ever happen to me, it showed me how life could be, should be. I’ll never need someone the way that I need you, I’ll never want anything the way that I want you. I’m here now Jass, and I can’t promise to rope you the moon or get you everything you deserve. I’ll never doubt you though, I’ll never want anything more than you are willing to give and I’ll take everything that you do give with open arms. I’ll give you everything I’m able and everyday that I am with you you’ll never have to wonder who is on my mind or what I’m thinking, it will always be you. I’ll never belittle your dreams or tell you to quit, I’ll never put myself before you, I’ll always wake up knowing that today will be better than yesterday.

Before, when you knew me, when everything was perfect, I was that way because of you Jasmine, because you made me that way. I wasn’t the man I was with you before that, or after. I hope you know that, I hope your realize that everything you loved about me…I was that way because of you. Without you I fall apart, I’m not anything like that man, I’m just another guy waiting on someone like you to come along and make them into someone better, someone like the man I once was. You’re love did that to me Jass, nothing else. It was all you.

I’ll never stop loving you, and I know that one day, a long time from now, when I see you in heaven, I’ll smile again.”

Somehow Kaleb thought that didn’t do her justice, but it was a start, and everything has to start somewhere.

* * *

Kaleb knew that Jasmine had walked out of his life forever and he had to start rebuilding his life. He knew the road would be long and hard, he also knew that he had no other choice. Kaleb always realized that things happen for a reason, even if sometimes it felt like God was simply throwing darts at his board of life.

Over time he would come to realize that the bond he thought he shared with Jasmine was one that never was meant to last. It was wonderful when it was great, and it was disastrous when it wasn’t, and deep down Kaleb always knew that it would end this way. He held on to what little they had left at the end with every bit of his strength even when he knew it was over he couldn’t loosen his grip.

For the first time in a long time he was looking forward to tomorrow instead of dreading it’s arrival. For the first time he had decisions to make that would more than decide the fate of his relationship.

He learned how to love from her, for that he was grateful. He learned how to hate from her, for that he could never forgive.

Chapter 9

Kaleb spent the next few months wondering where everything went wrong in his life and feeling sorry for himself. He had went out on a total of two dates in nine months and they were both less than extraordinary. He wasn’t even sure why he went on them, he knew that they weren’t going to lead anywhere. He just wasn’t ready.

He knew that things were starting to be different now though. He couldn’t remember the last time he even thought of how Jasmine was. He still hoped she was doing great, but it didn’t matter to him as much as it used to. He wanted to move on with the life that he had put on hold for so long. He knew that sitting at home thinking about how great life could have been wasn’t going to get him very far.

One Sunday he went to the local bookstore looking for another best seller to add to his bookshelf and found more than he bargained for. He was kneeling down sifting through the books on the bottom shelf and suddenly he lost his balance and fell over. He laughed at his own clumsiness.

“Are you ok? Do you need some help?” An intoxicating voice asked him.

“No thanks, nothing hurt but my pride.”

Kaleb hadn’t yet look up to see who exactly it was, all he saw were two pink flip-flops. He knew if she looked half as good as she sounded he was in trouble. As he stood up she held out her hand and introduced herself.

“I’m Karina, you should be more careful!” She said playfully.

“Kaleb.”

As his hand touched hers he felt his heart begin to beat a bit faster than normal and knew he didn’t want this to be the last time he saw her. In that moment he knew beyond any doubt that he wanted to move on so he could be with someone like her. They chatted about the books they were interested in and where they were from. She seemed genuinely interested in everything he had to say. After a few hours of conversation over coffee she told him he had to go. He thanked her for her time and was afraid that was all he would ever have with her.

“Do you want to do this again sometime?” Karina asked.

Half surprised Kaleb managed to stutter out a “Most Definitely”. The smile that was fading from his face had once again regained the shape it had held since he first saw her. He couldn’t believe his luck.

“I guess awesome things really do happen when you least expect them too.” Kaleb mused to himself.