gollehon

 Going to go pick up a dog tonight and leave out of this place about midnight.  Should put me home around 8 in the morning.  I can't wait, going to go with my Dad to Jamestown and have a good ol' weekend.  I wish I could stay there.  I certainly do belong there, I've never been so sure in my life.  I guess it takes a jolt from something bad to make a man think about stuff like that.  When a person says they are going to do something you can take them for their word they'll do what they say, and if they can't you can be damn sure they've got a good reason.  I think that's what I miss most.  I've never gotten used to other places because of that.  Well that and you can't beat a mountain sunset, or a girl raised there, and that's for sure.  I've kind of always figured whenever I do find someone who's willing to stick around they'll be from home.  I can a couple more years to find that I rekon'.  I've waited this long.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." - John Wayne

     The end of another month, one month closer to my EAOS.  Usually that’s call for a silent celebration but not today.  There isn’t much worth celebrating in my home.  I sat at my desk today and did my work without a word and then I came home, I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s going to be for a while, how much of a while isn’t really up to me.  I’m usually pretty good at faking a smile or a laugh when I’m feeling down, they didn’t come so easy today.  My roast is done cooking, we didn't do the pot luck today, just ordered chicken for lunch.  I haven't been able to keep down food since Sunday morning so it'll go in the refrigerator for at least one more day.  It sure smells good though.  

     I was doing ok this morning, not great but good enough to make it through the day.

    Then I was stopped at a red light and saw her drive through on the way to work, I reached for my phone to call and remembered I couldn't. 

   Frankly, this blows.

There are days when it is great to be me, and there are days that it isn't.

Today is one of the isn'ts.  

I just want some sleep. 

   I think I may have made a huge ass out of myself last night and today.  I have probably called her 6 or 7 times in the past 24 hours.  She did call me back to give me directions, which I am more than grateful for, and that's got to be something.  I just hope she knows I wasn't calling because I'm a possesive prick, or because I was worried about us.  I was worried about her.  I hope that's what she thinks too.  It's one thing if she only called once in a blue moon, but we have talked everyday except yesterday and I was worried something might have happened to her.  I guess it's really not my place to worry about that though, but I still do.  Still, that's the last time I'll call so much.  One message is enough for anybody and she can call back when she is ready.  She is a very hard working and independent lady who I'm sure doesn't need some farmboy worrying about her.  I just hope I haven't screwed up to much.
    I really do like this girl.  It took me almost 6 years to get the same butterflies in my stomach with someon else.  I don't know how or why it happened so fast, it just did.  I really didn't want it to, but it's too late to turn back now.  I'll just keep on taking my time though, that's something we hopefully have a lot of. 

 I wrote this in my notebook and thought I may as well put it here in case something happens to it.

    I'm sitting on my porch for going on almost 2 hours now.  I can't say today has been the best day, but it's for sure far from the worst.  I took a trip to base earlier to pick up a pot roast and I've gotten it and some cut up carrots and potatoes in my refrigerator marinating, I'll put it on tomorrow night so it will be ready for Tuesday.  I've no doubt it will be 100x better than the last one I made.  I do so love my slow cooker!
    I was going to go to church this morning but I didn't make it.  I know I should have went but I just couldn't bring myself to go alone.  She had a long night though and she deserves all the rest that she can get.  She has to be one the busiest people I've ever met.  I'm just glad I get to spend any amount of time with her.  Besides, I'm stealing her away all next weekend and I would hate for her to get tired of me before that!
    I'm afraid I've already gotten ahead of myself with her.  I know it isn't the smartest thing to do, but how in the world could I help it?  It's all I can do sometimes to keep my big mouth shut so I don't sound like some crazy fool who is trying to pressure her into something she isn't ready for.  I know where she is coming from, I've been there myself and I know that she needs some time.  I sure do hope she keeps me around that long.  Sometimes the scars that hurt the most are the ones no one can see.
     All that being said I knew the first time I saw her I'd never want to let go, and I hope she never has to ask me to.  I've said a lot of goodbyes in my life, but I think that would be one of the hardest ones.  I'd walk away like a good Cowboy though, she doesn't deserve the headache and heartache of some old fool who thinks he knows what's best for her.  
     The sunset sure is pretty today, for flatland anyway.  I think the longest parts of my day are spent waiting on her to call, until I met her I probably couldn't tell you where my phone was half of the time and now you'd better be a pretty tough fellow to pry it out of my hand.  When I get to talk to her it just feels like a ton of bricks was lifted off my back, I don't know why, but it does.  I've never really enjoyed talking on the phone to anyone, I mostly did it because I had to.  With her though, I do it because I enjoy it...tremendously.

   Well today wasn't the best day, but it wasn't the worst either.  I sure wish I could go to bed right about now but I know I'll be up for at least another hour trying to make myself tired.  That's what I get for taking a nap in the middle of the day, and it doesn't help that I've gotten used to talking to her before I do fall asleep.  Hope she calls. 

 June 26, 2009

 June 24, 2009

 I’ve been home on leave for a bit and I have to say that I enjoyed it.  I always seeing my little girl and the rest of my family.  She is growing up so fast.  It seems like it took me forever to get out of High School and she will be going to kindergarten in a year.  It’s really hard for me to believe.  She still hates to talk on the phone to anyone, so it doesn’t hurt as much when she doesn’t want to talk to me.  I can’t wait until she does get a little older to where she will though.  I do call just to make sure she’s doing ok.  

 Wow.
Seriously.  
Just Wow.
I just spent the last 4 hours with her and I still want to pick up my phone and call her.  Seven whole days.  I'm glad I'll get to see my little girl and my family, but still, I wanted nothing more than to throw my car in reverse and take her with me.  If a normal kiss is worth a thousand words, one kiss from her is War and Peace.  I still feel funny and I'm not sure that I can feel my fingers.  

If it were just the kisses it would be enough, but then there's the sitting down and talking...like really talking for hours, and with that there is what she says and who she is.  If perfect isn't a word that can describe her then Webster hasn't made one that does yet......arrrrghh, Seven days.

 The power went out yesterday so I didn’t write anything, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed, but I’ll just to pull double duty today.  

 I think most people think about what they say before it comes out most of the time.  I know I do and what I say doesn’t always mean what is in any dictionary.  I know what I want to come out of my mouth, but my brain sends the “don’t say that idiot” signal.  I thought I’d make a little list of some of the things I mean when I say something else.

 You know I’ve always thought that I was ok with being alone, just doing my own thing.  Over the years I’ve come to find out that I was wrong in that assumption!  Don’t get me wrong, being alone has it’s perks.  No real accountability for anything you do, no arguments, no real responsibility.  I mean I have my daughter, and of course I’m responsible for her well being, but seeing as how I am quite a ways away from her I trust that her mother takes the best care of her she can, and she does and I help in any way that I can or am needed to.  That’s not really the responsibility I meant anyway.  I meant the kind where everyday someone else’s happiness, who you aren’t connected to by blood, is dictated by what you do and say.  Your emotions are somehow connected directly to theirs and theirs to yours.  

Today was another day.  I can't complain, got to talk to her a bit which is much better than not a bit, accomplished what I needed to at work, and got a few things done around my apartment that needed getting done.  What did I learn today?  I learned that everyday, no matter how regular is one step closer to the next chapter of someones life.  Time never stands still even when you pray for it too, and more and more I'm viewing that as a good thing.  I don't it could move fast enough for me at the moment.  I only use a clock to tell me how long I have to wait to see her again.  They are kind of overated anyway, but I am glad I have one for that reason alone. 

Toodles.

 I’m afraid I’m starting to miss seeing her.  I know that I just got to see her yesterday, but I already can’t wait until the next time.  I would be lying if I said it didn’t scare me.  I can’t remember the last time I actually missed someone who wasn’t family.  It’s crazy too because I know she is just down the road.  One of the worst things about being me is worrying, I don’t do it near as much as I used to, that’s for sure, but I still do it to much for my taste.  If I wasn’t such a pansy maybe I could actually say half of the things I write.  That’ll be the day!  

 Another day at work.  It was just….work.  I did get to see her today though, which made waiting for 6 to roll around that much more agonizing.  Definitely worth the wait, even if it was only for an hour.  I’ve always been a fan of comfortable silence, but with her I can’t help but want to talk…talk…and talk some more.  I want to know everything, I guess I’m just selfish like that.  She is in a word, spectacular.

Work days last entirely to long.  It needs to be six o'clock...like right now.

Life.
Is.
Awesome. 

 Cleaning carpet has to be one of the worst things in the world.  Kool-Aid stays in the kitchen from now on!  It’s a good thing I’ve started to drink more water and less of the drinks that like to leave little reminders that I’m kind of a klutz.  I finally fixed my bed and I’m moving my computer out of my living room.  I don’t spend half the time I used to on it and it’s really just and eye-sore.  If nothing else it will give me something to do for the rest of the day.  I don’t have to go into work until 11am tomorrow so I’ll probably stay up a bit later than I’m used to so I don’t wake up at the crack of dawn.  Friend from work had a BBQ today but I didn’t go, I don’t think I would have had much fun there by myself anyway.  I did watch Elizabethtown again, it’s still and awesome movie and I’m amazed after umpteen times watching it I can still sit through all of it.  I think I know every line by heart.